catfish19's Diaryland Diary

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So, I got to thinking it was about time I did a Diaryland exclusive. Here goes. When I say exclusive, I mean it - as in, approximately two people know this, and I would never post it if this diary weren't so anonymous.

A couple of months ago I was exorcised. This is completely no-shit true. I went along to a leadership training weekend (I'm a leader at my church, for those who don't know) and was practically head-hunted by one of the speakers, who wanted to get some spirits out of me.

It sounds so weird to write it. It makes me go... wow... I'm one of those crazy people who believe in that stuff! Little ol' semi-skeptic me is now fully convinced that spiritual stuff is real, and that it affects people.

I thought it was normal to live every day with a death wish. I thought the urge to drive into the path of oncoming trucks was completely natural, that everyone experiences an overwhelming desire to, if not die, then just not be alive. I thought intense, irrational phobias were okay to put up with.

This guy told me to check out my family history, that I'd find the root of everything there. And I did - men in my family were Freemasons, and I've been reading up on them. I read the long list of traits seen in descendants of Freemasons, and everything wrong with me was on that list: everything from the big ones, like the death wishes, to the little, insignificant things that bother me but never seemed important - things like the asthma and hayfever, the ridiculous fear of knives, the aversion to people getting anywhere near my throat.

And so, this dude prayed for me... and it was intense. I don't even want to go into it, but all I can say is that for the first time since I can remember, I don't want to die.

I feel optimistic. I have hope. I haven't known these feelings for so long. I even got to wondering if having been oppressed for so long, having been driven almost to death, is in a way a sign that my life is going to be something significant.

Think what you want. My life has been changed. I'm still working through shit - I know I have to deal with the causes of the depression and everything, or it will be back. I won't be telling most of my friends, for fear of being labelled insane. That's why I'm getting it out here. I have to tell someone what I've learned to be true:

God is good.

1:20 a.m. - 2005-09-11

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