catfish19's Diaryland Diary

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I'm so hesitant to write about specific boys. There's this paranoia that somehow they know where my blogs are and will find out what I think about them... As if there's any chance of them finding my diaries. And if they did - well, then they'd really deserve to know, wouldn't they, for that kind of dedication?

I don't know what's gotten into me, but no matter how much I find out about this guy Ben that should make me run as fast as I can in the opposite direction, I can't not like him.

Things like him having slept with a married woman fifteen years older than him, and the exes he seems to be avoiding on a regular basis, and being a sperm donor. Actually, I like the sperm donor thing... I know for guys it's more about getting paid to have a wank, but the whole helping-people-have-a-baby thing is still there.

I'm usually completely rational and can turn my attractions on and off at will - not this time. It's driving me fucking insane that the guy I want the most is the dodgiest one I know.

I think (probably mistakenly) that if even just one "nice" guy showed some kind of interest in me at all, it would make everything better. Sadly, the good ones just don't ever make a move, and it's the guys who'll make me feel like shit in the long run who make me feel good now.

11:41 a.m. - 2005-05-17

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