catfish19's Diaryland Diary

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Emotion

I was working today. Now that's something new, something novel huh? Yes, I was indeed working. I was working indeed.

So, as I've just clarified, I was working today, and this weedy little part-timer was working in the checkout opposite me. She told me I never smile and that I should be happier.

What the hell?

How can a high school kid who's never talked to me in her life tell me what emotions I should have and how I should display them on my face and how often? Some nerve, that kid.

I told her that, however much I may love my job (said with the appropriate degree of sarcasm), I can't have a stupid grin stuck on my stupid face every second of the day. She seemed to disagree, and then actually went on to disprove me by proceeding to smile constantly for the rest of the night. That pissed me off.

I got to thinking why it is that smiling is supposed to be such a good thing. I for one think it is completely overrated. I am, to be fair, generally seen as quite the emotionless sort by those who don't know me well. No highs, no lows. Just mellowing in the middle, that's me.

But really, who decided that it's better to be happy than to be sad? Are they not both equally valid emotions? And even if I am happy, so what if I'm not smiling? It's just an upturn of the edges of the mouth.

That's why I've always hated those little yellow smiley faces. I know they're no Mona Lisa, but they show a completely unrealistic view of the way emotions are. Why are there no yellow angry faces, or jealous faces, or lusty faces? Because they're bad emotions, ones we're not supposed to feel, or at least express.

I'm sick of trying to appear as if I feel the way people want me to feel. When I'm asked whether I'm excited about my upcoming trip, I say yes, of course I am. And truly, I am! But people don't believe me, because I don't say it with the right amount of enthusiasm, with the appropriate smile on my face, or in a loud enough tone of declaration.

Just because my emotions aren't immediately obvious, doesn't mean they're not there. I feel too, but smiling shouldn't ever be forced. It comes when it comes. I wish I knew that in high school. I wish that girl from work did too.

11:17 p.m. - 2004-05-10

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