catfish19's Diaryland Diary

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Why I Am Will Hunting

My First Entry... I guess I'd better make this a goodie to keep you hooked. The pressure's on.

This is who I am: I'm 19, a college drop-out working a dead-end sort of job at the local store. I'm single right now because the only guy I'm interested in is taken (more on that later - it could take a long time to explain that one...), and I've just started to realise that there's a huge difference between who I am and who I think I am.

I quit college after two years. It's not all it's cracked up to be, I'll tell you that. You can be the smartest person in your classes (and I almost certainly was) and get no recognition. It's impersonal and uninspiring, and it made me completely disillusioned with learning. It almost made me happy in the job I've just turned full-time in.

It's like I take this perverse pleasure in not fulfilling my potential. Every time an old high-school teacher walks into the store, I'm secretly smug when I see the look on their face, disappointed to see their pet project going nowhere fast. I love to compare myself to movie characters, and right now I see myself as quite the Will Hunting - the genius janitor, brilliant, self-absorbed and underpaid. Call me arrogant, but I'm not exaggerating at all. I really am a genius. I've taken about eight IQ tests, and am somewhere between 149 and 165. In theory, I could do anything I want. I've never been bad at anything I've tried, with the exception of sport. Science, math, art, writing, languages, music. I'm a machine, if you'll excuse my ego. Feel free not to.

I like to think I'm on a kind of journey of self-discovery at this point in my life. I'm trying to work out where I'm headed, if anywhere. I'm making new friends and getting fitter and saving for my big OE. I'm getting back into the God thing, after an extended leave of absence. I'm really committing myself to my faith and getting rid of the crap in my life that's been dragging me down to Will Hunting status.

I'm a girl. A straight one, mostly. I've grown up with guys, I hang out with them, I burp and fart with them and play sports with them. But nonetheless, I am a female, and that suits me just fine.

I love to write. I secretly wish I could do it for the rest of my life, but at the same time half of me only keeps writing out of a sense of obligation. To whom, I don't know... maybe to myself, maybe to those same high school teachers who get that disappointed look in their eye when they see me now - because they're the ones who told me I had a talent. Ditto for sculpture, and for photography.

I got some bad advice the past few years, which is what got me doing (and subsequently quitting) biology with a genetics major, which bored the hell out of me. Alongside that bitch of a subject, I studied philosophy and religious studies, which I adored and hope to get back to one day.

So, that's me in a nutshell, if you'll excuse the cliche.

12:58 p.m. - 2004-03-16

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