catfish19's Diaryland Diary

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When I should be appreciating my time away from responsibility

I'm having a lot of trouble with enjoying my life at the moment. I wish that wasn't the case, because there's so much I should be enjoying. I just spent a week in New York, for crying out loud! But there are so many signs pointing to things not being right with me, somehow.
I mean, take the binge drinking in Detroit, Toronto and Montreal. I am absolutely anti getting drunk. I don't like not being in control. I don't like abusing my body. I don't like the way guys treat me when I'm under the influence. Somehow, it all felt so good at the time. I just don't do that when I'm happy.
I've been ultra-sensitive too, crying at the smallest things. Lately, I cried during Wimbledon (it's supposed to be a COMEDY), during the presidential debate, reading a magazine article on the effects of divorce on children. I guess I can excuse crying at Ground Zero and at the John Lennon memorial, but I couldn't help but notice I was the only one. What's with that?
And then... and this one's so stupid I hesitate to even mention it... but I've been waking up with my thumb in my mouth. I definitely stopped sucking my thumb when I was six. If I had a therapist, he'd be having a field day with that one. This has happened only once before, when I first moved out of home and was really stressed out.
I know what it is, too. There are four big things creating this chaos right now, that I know of.
1 - My hormones are completely screwed up, probably because of my crazy diet and lack of exercise the past few months and the consequent weight gain. I haven't had my period in four months. When I get home, I'm going on the liver cleansing diet and taking up swimming and running again, pronto. That's Plan A. And, if that doesn't work, I'm making my doctor prescribe me the pill.
2 - I miss my home. I even found myself missing my country the other night. As I walked across Brooklyn Bridge, I subconsciously started singing a cheesy patriotic song I haven't heard in years about this guy who travels the world looking for excitement and returns home, only to find that what he was looking for was right in front of him all along.
3 - I'm stressed about starting real life again when I go home. It's not going to be easy, and that was made clear to me the other day when I got an email from Alex, who just got back from working in Indiana - he said that it's wierd to be back and that I should make the most of my time away while it lasts. Inadvertently, he made that close to impossible, because now I keep worrying about what that's going to be like.
4 - I've definitely been neglecting my spiritual side. I don't care what anyone thinks - I know that I'm a happier, more fulfilled person when I'm praying, reading my bible, and going to church. I haven't been doing much of the first two, and I haven't been to church at all since May. I miss my church like nothing else. I miss my pastor, Sarah, who's young and fun and has brought out the best in me over the past few years since she made me a leader. I miss my friends there, who are the closest and craziest I'll ever have, I know - I'll never have so much fun with anyone as I do with them. I miss Sunday afternoon touch rugby and river swims and hot tub marathons and barbeques. I miss everyone crashing at my house on Saturday nights because my house is the closest to church. I even miss 7.45am music practices (I sing with the band). Most of all, I definitely miss God. I need to get back on track.
My apologies for the mammoth entry. I've almost run out of room in my real diary and my brain's starting to overflow.
Two weeks and one day until I go home.

9:42 a.m. - 2004-10-07

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