catfish19's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fat I'm on a "get fit" mission. And by "get fit", you must know I mean "lose weight". I'm a little bit disappointed in myself about this. Let me explain. I'm not that fat, that's a fact. I'm in good health, I eat healthily, I exercise. I used to be unhappy with my body, until I started reading feminist books, like "Fat is a Feminist Issue" and "Womansize". They made me realise that being thin is not a natural thing for a woman, and that the pressure to get rid of all body fat is a conspiracy to keep women powerless. A woman's power, they said, is directly related to her size - the thinner, the more vulnerable (like a child). The fatter, the stronger. For the last couple of years, I've been on a Kelly Osbourne-esque crusade to be curvy and proud. Not fat and proud. I've never been fat, just normal sized - you have to realise that to understand just why I'm so disgusted by this sudden desire to conform that has hit me. Now, it's like I've hit a point where my body wants to get rid of the fat. It's falling off, practically. I'd heard that that happens with some people about my age, but I didn't even dare to dream about it. And now it's happening, I'm giving my body all the help it can get. I'm eating less, doing Pilates, running. And in doing so, it seems I've quit my feminist philosophy. I actually can't stop this weight-loss fever that's hit me. Part of me wants to stay how I was and stick with being fatter (and, the feminists would say, more powerful). But this drive's taken over me, and I can only now understand anorexia. I know that by becoming thinner, I'm slowly giving up the right to live my life on my own terms. But the shallow part of me is happy to be a conformist slave to society in order to be more attractive, more conventional, and dare I say it, more acceptable. I tell myself I'm on this diet-and-exercise rampage because I love myself and want to be the best I can be. But deep inside, I know otherwise. It's self-hatred. I want to get rid of the fat so there can be less of me. If being fat is saying "fuck you, world" (I heard that in some indy movie, and liked it... if only I could remember what the movie was!), I guess losing weight is saying "fuck me, world". Whatever, it won't last. I change my mind about this every few months! 12:11 p.m. - 2004-03-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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